I should have known something was up when the clouds started rolling in this morning after having more than a week of cold but beautifully clear blue sky days. Instead, I was happy to not have to scrape layers of ice off every window of my car. I should also state that the first class I work in everyday is possibly my favorite to be in. The teacher makes me feel like part of the classroom, makes sure to include me in whatever classroom conversation is happening and also has made an attempt to get to know me as a person. Not sure if it's from her lead, but the students in that class also are friendly to me both while I'm in the classroom or when they see me other places around the school. I wish I could work more than 20 minutes in that room. I am lucky to be able to start my day on that kind of a good note.
Today was one of those days where I don't know whether to laugh or cry, and thankfully ended up laughing a little hysterically towards the end. I was ready and waiting for meltdowns yesterday. It was the first day of school after two weeks of winter break, and although I was ready to be back I wasn't sure how elementary aged kids were feeling about coming back. Yesterday was smooth sailing. On all accounts the kids were cheerful and happy and willing to cooperate, both at school and the after-school program. It was a different story today. Kids were whining about everyday school tasks and it was like pulling teeth just to get some of them to read to me for a few minutes. Okay, this I can easily handle. Many times i will either have a "bad" day at school but then when I get to the after-school program it usually balances out. Sooooooooo not the case today.
The after-school program was like melt down central today. I had at least six kids in tears at one point or another; usually we just average one or two. A few kids told me that being at homework club was like being tortured. A few others told me they were CERTAIN I didn't care about them or their well-being. They said I didn't care if they did well in school or not, or what happened to them "in life." Of course this is the exact opposite of how I feel about them. But how do I convince a crying eight year old who has never known an adult to be true to their word that I really care about them more than they can imagine? Then there is the fourth grader who said in response to a few different questions I asked him "OK, I'll just go kill myself then." This causes me more anguish because I don't know the best, or right, way to respond to this. I'll go check in with the school counselor tomorrow. It makes me sad than such a young child has these ideas though.
As usual, my supervisor saved the day, although today it was quite unintentional. As we were dropping off the last student we got stuck in the mud driveway of that student's house. After some tame choice words that she was apologizing for which made me giggle, my ever fearless supervisor hopped out of the driver's seat, told me to hop in it, and to give the van some gas as she pushed it. I didn't think twice about gunning it until I could hear the tires slipping in the mud and had a sudden vision of her getting some mud on her. "Some mud" is an understatement. After successfully becoming unstuck, my supervisor hopped back in COVERED in mud. She was laughing heartily, which promptly wiped the shocked look off my face and got me to start laughing. She wasn't phased with having mud all over her, so I kind of thought about how maybe I shouldn't be phased by all the accusations and tears that I had been covered in today. After talking with her, and then Megan on the way home, I felt better about what had happened and how things went down today.
I know that not everyday will be this frustrating. I'll have a multitude of days that will make me want to stay here forever. But today I want to curl up, pull the covers over my head and turn the lights off on this day.
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