I fight everyday to stay centered in the present. There are so many things calling me, pulling me, into the future that I'm somewhat surprised when I haven't sprouted wings that enable me to time travel so that I may be satiated for just a moment. But, that wouldn't be real life and it would take the fun out of me figuring things out on my own. That is not to say that I feel like being in this place - mentally, emotionally, spiritually, or physically - is an easy thing to do right now, but in my opinion it is the fair, honest and honorable action.
To me, the first few months here were easy. Well, more accurately, they were exciting. Everything was new. Being in a school atmosphere all day, having the mountains and the ocean in my backyard, making new friends, snow days, being able to be the most in control of shaping my life to how I saw fit that I had ever been in. I loved getting to know the kids I work with and even the most challenging days gave me a sense of satisfaction.
Now, my routine seems to have an air of stagnation to it. I'm still happy to be going to work, but I feel a sense of complacency creeping in. Decisions are made that affect what I do on a daily basis without my input. Hearing that AmeriCorps funding will potentially be cut almost takes the wind out of my sails. If my position goes away next year, will all the work that I have done thus far be in vain? Sure, whoever is at my site next year will still have to create their own relationships with the kids, but some of those students will (hopefully) remember that we AmeriCorps volunteers are always on their side, regardless of if we're the new one just starting out with over-eager excitement in our eyes, or if we're the volunteer who's half way through our term of service and is struggling to keep her head in the everyday game.
Recently there have been some interesting talks around some tables I've been seated at. The AmeriCorps members that I have been around want to know that not only is our work right now worth something, but also that we are setting things up for next year so that things will run more smoothly and with the possibility of new members not having to reinvent the wheel or fight and fight and fight for the support they need. We ask: Are we just "band-aids" to larger societal ills? How are we actually agents of change in this society? Do we members get more out of this through personal growth and resume boosters than our community benefits from us? Will it matter what we do if none of our struggles are documented or suggestions headed? In a simple word: yes. If each of us reaches one child, or community member, then I feel we have succeeded in our job. One may seem like a small number, but I stand by the loneliest number.
Yes, I have grown in so many countless ways in these six and a half months, but I also feel that I have done some good here. I show what teamwork looks like. I've helped plant 5000 trees. I've modeled respect for people who don't always show me respect. I've helped paint a house and beautify a yard. I've had community members thank me for just showing up and being a presence at their event or organization. I have managed to make connections with students who now smile and wave and work willingly on subjects they struggle with. They deserve for me to stay present and focused and I can think of no better reason to not grow wings, but rather bloom where I have planted myself for this season.
I'm loving the references to songs by the Steve Miller Band and Three Dog Night! Whether your future involves sprouting wings - so that you may "fly like an eagle" - or some other means of mobility, I encourage you always to bloom where you plant yourself, and to remember the word of Dr. King: "The time is always right to do right." Rock on, Jules! xoxoxoxoxo
ReplyDelete--Dad
Ditto your dad - natch - and also, I certainly stand by 'one' also. Some say, it's all we can do. Stand and act, natch again.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I also sad-heartily agree with those sometimes sad-futile feelings. Pema Chodron tell us, keeping on in-spite-of is the highest form of courage. Me tells us, this courage is love. xoxoxox HUGS. Aunt Ann
As per our conversation over the ivy this weekend, I totally feel ya, girl. It's hard to be in a situation that necessarily dictates that you swallow some pride & a lot of expectations because that's what it takes to get the job done, & continue doing it. Do we infinitely sacrifice our own vision for our projects & places of work in order to do just what's given us, or do we stand up for our ability & right to do what we can?
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to have you here! We'll talk soon!