Start Your Engines, Cool Your Jets

Today lawn mowers all over my neighborhood roared into action.  Mine did too, only it whirled instead of roared.  As I battled with random holes and bumps all over my lawn I was secretly wishing for a motorized way to cut the blades of grass.  It's not that I dislike the push mower we have, but sometimes I feel a little defeated by it and the tough-to-cut weeds that grow so much faster than the rest of the grass.  Imagine that, they grow like...weeds!

After unintentionally ramming my hip into the mower handle for the umpteenth time, I decided to take a momentary break and sit with Maise.  By this point she was completely wet from rolling around in the damp grass, but she was happy with the dew kisses all over her nose.  As I had been mowing I found an old tennis ball in a corner of the yard and threw that around for her for a bit, which she loved.  She hasn't quite mastered dropping the ball for me. Instead she drops herself to the ground, belly up for a rub, ball loosely held in her mouth which I can easily grab as she rights herself, eager for the next toss of the ball.  After a few throws I looked up to see a part in the clouds and, beyond that, the snow covered mountains with the sun shining on them.  Not an altogether uncommon scene here, but still beautiful.  Then I looked over and noticed new flowers blooming by the rosemary bush.  Purple and cream and small clusters on a stalk; I've never seen flowers like them before.  Because I had wandered over to check them out I was closer to the blooming Japanese Cherry Tree and all of a sudden was enveloped in the sweet fragrance of those blossoms.  They were shouting "Spring is here!  The sun is coming back after all!"  Then Maise came wagging over, nudging her smelly, wet head into my knee "reminding" me she was ready for some more attention.

After another toss of the ball, I went back to the mower and started pushing it again.  I was laughing to myself about Maise's antics and smiling at the sound of kids laughing and yelling to each other at the park one house over from mine.  If I had a motor on my mower I would have missed those sounds.  And I might have missed the parting of the clouds and the new, secret flowers, and the tree's spring time message.  Like any good 20-something, I obviously linked these thoughts to comparisons to my own life.  Had I pushed through life like I felt (sometimes still feel) I'm "supposed" to I would have missed a lot along the way.  There's a good chance I would have not applied to AmeriCorps and had this whole experience, which would have in turn kept so many joyful moments from happening in my life.  I'm sure regardless of where I would have been or what I would have been doing I would have found joyful and meaningful experiences, but I really wonder if they would have been as satisfying as these last seven months have been.

I only finished mowing 3/4 of the backyard; the cold that I've been fighting for a week brought along a bad cough which prevented me from finishing.  Maybe it'll get done tomorrow.  But for today at least my yard looks a little less like a jungle, and I was reminded to take time and revel in the beauty of the unknown flowers.

The Grass is Always Green(er)

Having my mom here last week was great.  We got to sit and just talk for long periods of time, which we haven't done since I moved here.  I have to be honest, a lot of the talking was done by me, and I am so grateful that I have the kind of mom who sits patiently and really listens to me ramble out my thoughts about anything and everything.  It's pretty cool that she doesn't judge what I say, or say "I told you so!" even if she really has, or interrupt me even when she has a really valid point about something I'm saying.  My mom is the type of listener I want to be - patient, kind, and actually listens to everything someone is saying.

My mom and Lynn preparing veggie trays

Aside from chatting away, I also was able to show my mom the life I've created here.  She came with me to the After School Program (ASP), and immediately made friends with lots of people there.  I was amazed at how she got some of the kids to work with her.  Maybe it was because she's an "elder," or was someone new, but it was really cool to see her connect with some of the kids who won't often work with me.  The next day she went to school with me and participated in my routine there.  Afterwards we were off to the Lower Elwha Potlatch were she dove right into helping with the preparation.  Then it was an evening of watching dances and listening to songs.  I had to run around a bunch to help with various things and go up with the ASP to sing a song, but it was awesome to be able to go and sit with my mom for parts of the evening.

At the beach

Friday morning I was awakened by texts asking if the tsunami was going to hit Port Angeles.  I was confused and a little frightened, but figured if the sirens weren't going off we were ok.  PA ended up getting a 2.2 foot surge, but it didn't effect anything.  Originally my mom and I were going to go out to the coast, but because there were tsunami warnings we opted to go to the un-named beach and chill there.  Maise, Mom and I had a fun time strolling around.  A bald eagle flew really close over our heads, closer than I'd ever seen one before. Thank goodness Maise is a big dog; I don't have to worry about her being dinner for any birds of prey.  The tide was low so we could walk all over the beach and I explored the uncovered rocks, hoping for some tide pool animals, but, no luck!  As it started to rain we decided to head back to the house to go have dinner with Megan and Marie.  During the rest of the time my mom was here we went to Port Townsend and then Seattle.  It was so great to have her here and be able to spend time together.

This week I spent a lot of time preparing for my final Teach For America interview.  I decided to go into Seattle the night before so I could be rested and make sure I was on time for my interview.  Leading up to Friday I felt like I had my own personal cheerleading team.  One of the teacher's I work with offered to let me use her class as guinea pigs for the lesson I had to present.  Doing so helped me feel much less nervous going into the interview.  Lots of my friends here gave me words of encouragement throughout the week, one even texted me the morning of to wish me luck!  My family was great, too.  I got a call from my grandma right before I left PA, my dad sent an awesome text the morning of, and my mom bought me lunch and talked with me afterwards which really helped me feel calm before my personal interview.  I have to say that knowing that I had so many people who offered kind words and said they thought I'd be great really helped me feel at ease when I walked into the last part of the last interview.  I was excited, not nervous; ready to represent myself and my passion for equitable education.  When it was all said and done I felt like I did my absolute best and wouldn't have said or done things differently if i could go back and do it over again.

Now I wait until April 4th to see if I will get a placement or not, but in the mean time I am researching different options for myself in the Bay Area.  I'd really like to go back to California, and the diversity it offers. I'm also realizing that while I do like my independence, I really like living close to family.  My dad and I were talking about the "grass is greener" feelings, but in the end we both voiced the idea that Northern California really is one of the more diverse places I could live.  Whether I get a full time job and go back to school to pursue my Master's in Education, or "just" go back to school I am excited to take all my growth, learning, and experiences from this venture back to California.

Time Keeps on Slippin...

I fight everyday to stay centered in the present.  There are so many things calling me, pulling me, into the future that I'm somewhat surprised when I haven't sprouted wings that enable me to time travel so that I may be satiated for just a moment.  But, that wouldn't be real life and it would take the fun out of me figuring things out on my own.  That is not to say that I feel like being in this place - mentally, emotionally, spiritually, or physically - is an easy thing to do right now, but in my opinion it is the fair, honest and honorable action.

To me, the first few months here were easy.  Well, more accurately, they were exciting.  Everything was new.  Being in a school atmosphere all day, having the mountains and the ocean in my backyard, making new friends, snow days, being able to be the most in control of shaping my life to how I saw fit that I had ever been in.  I loved getting to know the kids I work with and even the most challenging days gave me a sense of satisfaction.

Now, my routine seems to have an air of stagnation to it.  I'm still happy to be going to work, but I feel a sense of complacency creeping in.  Decisions are made that affect what I do on a daily basis without my input.  Hearing that AmeriCorps funding will potentially be cut almost takes the wind out of my sails.  If my position goes away next year, will all the work that I have done thus far be in vain?  Sure, whoever is at my site next year will still have to create their own relationships with the kids, but some of those students will (hopefully) remember that we AmeriCorps volunteers are always on their side, regardless of if we're the new one just starting out with over-eager excitement in our eyes, or if we're the volunteer who's half way through our term of service and is struggling to keep her head in the everyday game.

Recently there have been some interesting talks around some tables I've been seated at.  The AmeriCorps members that I have been around want to know that not only is our work right now worth something, but also that we are setting things up for next year so that things will run more smoothly and with the possibility of new members not having to reinvent the wheel or fight and fight and fight for the support they need.  We ask: Are we just "band-aids" to larger societal ills?  How are we actually agents of change in this society?  Do we members get more out of this through personal growth and resume boosters than our community benefits from us?  Will it matter what we do if none of our struggles are documented or suggestions headed?  In a simple word: yes.  If each of us reaches one child, or community member, then I feel we have succeeded in our job.  One may seem like a small number, but I stand by the loneliest number.

Yes, I have grown in so many countless ways in these six and a half months, but I also feel that I have done some good here.  I show what teamwork looks like.  I've helped plant 5000 trees.  I've modeled respect for people who don't always show me respect.  I've helped paint a house and beautify a yard.  I've had community members thank me for just showing up and being a presence at their event or organization.  I have managed to make connections with students who now smile and wave and work willingly on subjects they struggle with.  They deserve for me to stay present and focused and I can think of no better reason to not grow wings, but rather bloom where I have planted myself for this season. 

Fight or Flight

To say there are a lot of crucial, tide-turning events going on all over the world is an understatement. I feel like everywhere I turn there is more information on revolutions happening in the Middle East, the protests in Wisconsin and other states, and who could leave out the up-coming Royal Wedding?  Sometimes I feel overwhelmed because I feel as if I have a duty to keep up on the information coming in so that I may be an informed citizen and take action when/if needed...well, about the revolutions and protests, not so much the wedding...  How can I not care about the things that are going on right now?  Education is a topic near and dear to my heart and I am so incredibly saddened by the severe cuts that have been proposed and will be implemented shortly.  I just do not understand how taking more money away from this part of our society will help everything.  Apparently I'm not the only one as evidenced with this article, as well as this one.
I'm not the first one to say this, but by investing money into our students we can gain critical thinkers who are able to solve our most pressing challenges and issues, while at the same time saving money on what we as a society would pay for them to be in jail.  I am in no way saying that all children will end up in jail if they do not have a quality education.  However, the more access a child has to quality education, the less likely they are to commit crimes that could eventually lead to their incarceration.  Here are some stats that help back up my assertions, too.

Not only do these cuts worry me because I believe in high quality education for all students, but also because I have been working towards my goal of becoming an educator.  As a young person who has most of my own education finished and now work in a volunteer position (yes, I have a stipend, but we are technically called volunteers), I have been banking on the fact that funding for education will increase NOT decrease, and that I will have more opportunities rather than less for a teaching job.  Not only are future generations getting the shaft of getting an education that will prepare them for the real world, but my generation is also getting the short end of the stick when it comes to finding meaningful, sustainable jobs that will support us (financially) so that we may continue to use our energy to mold the world into our collective vision of a more "just, verdant, and peaceful world."  My dad sent me a book called Do It Anyway: The New Generation of Activists by Courtney E. Martin, and in the preface she writes that my generation has a permanent mindset that we must do work that will change the world in ways that are positive.  I know I feel that way.  Well, most of the time.

In my time here I have had my fair share of challenges.  I feel that I work hard employ lessons learned, academically and on-the-job, so that I can continue becoming better at my job.  Recently I had the first day at my job that I just wanted to flat out walk away and quit.  It was only for a short time, but that hour or so was intense.  For whatever reason, things just weren't working that day and the kids were not having any of it.  I felt like things we tried at the program were failing and I was unsure of why I was even there.  Rather than continuing to fight to fix or change happenings I felt ready to take flight - specifically to a warmer, cozy California that I've been missing.

But that feeling didn't really last very long.  By the time I finished walking my dog, Maise, and had the chance to inhale some fresh, crisp air I was feeling better about things.  While walking I had a chance to reflect on my own behaviors and what I could do to enhance my own experience, as well as what I could do or suggest to help the negative happenings.  I am not one to walk away from a situation because I feel frustrated, especially when I have a feeling that I can do something to make a change for the better.  My "fight" does not go away without its own fight.

For Clinks and Giggles

Last weekend my sister visited me.  If you know me at all, you pretty much know that my sister is basically my favorite person in the world.  She's funny, caring, smart, easy-going and fun, just to name a few of her many fantastic traits.  I had a great time showing her around the Peninsula and just getting to spend some time with her in general.  Here are a few of my favorite memories from her visit:

*both of us wearing almost the same outfit when I picked her up from the airport (Sierra Nevada hoodie, jeans, brown boots and a beanie)
*not being surprised we were wearing almost the same thing
*giggling about nothing in particular
*having a snowball unintentionally thrown directly into my eye when Kath was trying to "recreate" snow falling
*seeing the sun set on Mount Baker Friday afternoon, while appreciating some other "scenery" (Aydo!)
*having the sun shine for two days in a row
*cheersing various things with her, with all sorts of beverages, including fresh pressed apple cider
*"Through the good times and the shit times..."; Dorat/Bolly?
*Building a very successful fire in my backyard fire pit
*Sunday beer
*Writing post cards with an impromptu jam session spring up next to us

Today another winter storm blew in, creating a short and snowy work day for me.  In all honesty, it was fine by me.  I have been feeling a little burned out at work, although I'm not sure why.  ...it's too early for me to be getting short-timers syndrome...  For my mood today, playing in the snow with Maise and hibernating in bed reading some of the few books I have going right now suited me just fine.  Maybe it's because I didn't grow up with snow, but I am still enamored with the way it looks when it's floating softly down, and how everything is quiet and coated in a white blanket that transforms ordinary landscapes into beauty-kissed ones.  There are mini icicles hanging from porches and other overhangs that were glistening in the waning light when Maise and I were shuffling through the powder.  Knowing that there is a minimum of a two hour delay tomorrow morning, if not a full on snow day, has also lifted my sleep deprived spirits.

One of the reasons I love this landscape here...

I'm also continuing to minimally work on applications and preparations for after my AmeriCorps service is done.  Lately I've definitely been feeling the pull back towards California more than any other time here so far.  How long will it last?  I'm worried that I will miss the natural beauty that is unique to this place and that I have steadily been falling more and more in love with.  Although I always end up following the directions my heart gives me, I worry that when it's actually time for me to "give up" living up here I will find it more difficult to leave than I predict.  I am cultivating a life here that suits me well, and part of me is definitely afraid that if I go back to California, where so much is familiar and safe, my personal growth will slow and I will become restless once again.

For now though, I am doing my best to stay present in what I'm doing here, and live with intention and be authentic to myself.  Having Kath here left me feeling refreshed and validated.  I'm excited for my mom to come in a little less than two weeks and show her some of what I've done with my life here since she and my dad helped move me up from Sacramento.

Energy Lessons

In one of the fifth grade classes I work in I got to sit in on a science lesson that one of my fellow AmeriCorps was presenting.  It was awesome.  The kids loved her, hung on her every word, and she knew her stuff and was able to present the topic in a way fifth graders understood.  Energy was the topic at hand, and she described how one type of energy (light) can help a plant grow, creating another type of energy (growth), that can then turn into energy in food form for us.  In the past few days I've been wondering how I can take one kind of my own energy (frustration and anger) and turn it into another, more productive form (change-inducing actions).

I doubt that I will ever dislike the day-to-day tasks of my job.  Overall I love working with the kids that I do, and I feel great when some of my students look at me and say "Oh, now I get it!"  Because I have been somewhat successful in creating relationships with my students and some of them now trust and like me, I have recently been able to pay more attention to the underlying factors that unfortunately sustain the challenging situations my students and the region that I live in face in this culture.

My thought process goes something like this: It seems that some parents do not prioritize their children or their children's basic education.  These parents are selfish and more concerned about making sure they have the newest phone or game console.  Why does it matter so much to have these items when their child doesn't have a proper winter coat or shoes?  Our culture says that one must show off their "wealth" through consumption of disposable items - whatever form those might come in.  By eagerly consuming disposable goods the money keeps coming in to the few who benefit from it and keep those who are forking over the money sedated into a false sense of momentary complacency because they have the sickest new gadget that does ten million tasks.  What's lacking in all of this?  In my mind it's a lack (or complete absence) of meaningful human connections and relationships.

So there are the societal pressures that create (?) selfish people who then procreate and then pass off their bad habits to their children because they are leading by example.  Then, today I read yet another article about how there are multiple proposals on how to "fix" the country's problems by cutting funding from programs that are proven to work and support multiple layers of our society.  I've read lots of these articles and cringe with every one, but this time it was personal: all AmeriCorps funding is slated to be gone.  Taken away.  As in, the way I read it, no more AmeriCorps.  Granted, this would not directly effect me because my term of service (and funding) is secure.  But what about next year and the year after and the year after?  I read that one supporter of this idea said that these cuts would help restore American's faith in the economy and help get people back to work.  Mr. Senator, let's have a real discussion about this.  Why don't you come talk with me about how my funding isn't really that important, and the work that I and all my other AmeriCorps mates are doing isn't worth the paltry stipend we receive to create real and lasting positive change in our communities.  With so many of my generation out of work with great skill sets who are ready and willing to work in positions like AmeriCorps offers I just CAN NOT understand how cutting this program will benefit not only our economy but the overall quality of life in our country.  I have heard countless people in Port Angeles comment on how they love the AmeriCops here and how much of an asset we are to the community.  I imagine wherever there are AmeriCorps members, their community members are echoing what I have heard.  How are we supposed to cultivate important relationships with one another and learn from each other and grow with each other and make the world a truly better place if there are not opportunities for people to work in capacities such as AmeriCoprs positions?  The cynic in me thinks maybe that's the point.  If we're all mice running on the wheel trying to get the new phone, etc, we won't bother to look around and see where we are and who's around us and what we're missing.  Mindless consumers don't need critical thinking skills or advanced math knowledge or, really for that matter, how to read anything more than a how-to manual to follow directions at work.

I do not accept this, though.  I never will.  There is so much more to life that accumulating things that will just break in a short matter of time.  I will work to change things, and I believe that I am not the only one.  All over the world things are changing.  People are finding their commonalities and embracing their differences and uniting to make their dreams reality.  My anger and frustration energy will find a conductor path to join into so that it may change form and become lasting change.

Digging In

Yesterday was the first of two weekends of helping with a Plant-a-Thon where 5000 native trees and shrubs are planted to help restore prime salmon habitat.  It felt amazing to be out in the mud and fresh air and drizzle.  At the beginning of the day I felt kind of lost and unsure of what I was doing.  Many of the people on my crew knew one another from their schools, and also knew about the trees and shrubs we were planting and where they should be planted.  I had to remind myself that I am here, in Washington, to learn things and grow and push myself in new areas that I might not always be comfortable in.

Within a little while of scooping and digging mud and getting the trees and shrubs Tim, one of my co-team leaders, was laying out in the best spots for them, I felt like I was getting in the groove of things.  The high school guys who I was on a team with made feel included and made it easy for me to chime in on their conversation about "winning the game" and "losing the game" (...and now I just lost the game, for those of you who who play...) and zombies and the salmon habitat we were helping restore.  Another co-team leader, Lauren, is from California, too, and we compared notes about what we miss about that landscape and what we love about this one.  After digging the first few holes, I felt like I had a handle on controlling my shovel, and realized I wasn't the only one with fist sized rocks in the soil I was trying to scoop out.  By the end of the day I decided I was at least competent in creating holes deep enough for the trees roots and getting the plant protectors around the planted trees and shrubs.

While I had a great time just planting and being covered in mud, I thought about the other meanings that these plantings have.  One is that we are hopefully restoring a habitat that has a multitude of beneficial effects for the environment.  Much of the area around Tarboo Creek was cleared for farming at the beginning of the last century.  This altered the habitat that the salmon were used to, creating adaptation "problems" for them.  It's my understanding that these salmon reproduce every four years, so if in that time period their habitat has changed a great deal then their chances for a hearty survival are diminished.  Parts of the creek were also channelized in order to aid in farming the area, which further exacerbated the issues salmon were facing.  Now, these changes did not just cause issues for the salmon, but also for the area at large.  More sediment was washed out into the bay, which then created more issues, and it goes on and on down the domino-effect chain.  The night before I went out to plant I read an article about large swaths of the Amazon Rainforest  dying from an extreme drought in 2010, and how this may cause copious amounts of carbon to be released into the atmosphere.  The Amazon has been thought to be a carbon sink, but now because of the drought and dead trees decaying could instead be a carbon emitter.  As I was planting some of the 1500 trees and shrubs yesterday I thought about how maybe these baby trees can help sequester some carbon and improve to the atmosphere overall, not "just" help the salmon population.

The other part of the Plant-a-Thon, perhaps my favorite part, is that every tree and shrub is planted in honor of someone.  I'm not sure how all that is organized, or how one goes about sponsoring a tree or shrub in someone's name, but I am in love with the idea.  Although I didn't officially dedicate a planting to someone, while I was planting I thought about my loved ones who work hard to make the world a better place for all Her inhabitants.  "This tree is for Lani, my Earth Goddess love, who radiates sunshine through the blackest clouds and believes in love and beauty and equity for every being in the universe."  "This tree is for Aunt Ann, whose wisdom and love work inspires me to continue working even in the apparent face of defeat."  "This is for Mom, whose kind and loving words and actions towards all raised me to try and emulate the same."  The list goes on...

...and this tree is for you!  <3