Starry Night

I feel like I've been making strides into what some might call "adulthood."  I've been trying to evade this from happening, and have considered becoming a Lost Boy in Neverland so I wouldn't have to grow up and accept the increasing responsibilities that I feel come with being an Adult.  Little steps I've taken; paying rent, getting a full time job (although "job" is a loose term for what I'm doing, especially because I love it so much), shopping for food that nourishes and sustains me.  But now I feel the time is coming for me to take leaps forward into creating a long term life that I will continue to be in love with.

One of the smaller steps I recently took was to start applying to programs for after I'm done with my AmeriCorps service term.  Well, to be more precise, I've been looking at programs and only applied to one.  However, the one I did apply for (Teach For America ) has been promising thus far.  Last year I applied and was promptly given the "Thanks, but no thanks."  This time around I really took the time to spruce up my resume to meet their preferred style, and worked hard to have my letter of intent reflect my dedication to making the achievement gap in education disappear.  When I got the email telling me that I was invited for a phone interview I was pleased to see that my bit of hard work had paid off.  In the writing exercise and phone interview, I did my best, but was true to myself and was candid in my responses.  While I was proud of myself for not sounding too rehearsed, I did not feel like I was what they were looking for.  So today, when I got the next go-ahead email (even though it's in no way, shape, or form even near being selected in the end), I felt even more proud of myself for going after something I really thought was out of my reach.  Of course now I am starting to think about where I might be placed if I am accepted and all the different placement regions I would go if offered a placement.  There is so much of this country I haven't seen, let alone lived in.  Exciting potentials for now!

The bigger step into adult-hood and more responsibility I took recently was adopting a dog.  Maise is a 5 year old female Golden Retriever.  She came from a home that didn't have enough time for her (and that was hoping to breed her with their purebred Golden male, but that never came to fruition...).  So now I have a furry child who needs her shots and to be spayed, but other than that is ready to go for adventures in her new home.  She is so lovable!  She is currently laying at my feet with a general chill-ness exuding from her.  In the mornings when I turn on my bedside lamp she immediately trots over, puts her face next to mine and wags her tail.  Having her will require me to get out and walk more, which is good in so many ways for me.  While she has enough energy to jump into the car and keep up with my fast-paced walking, she is calm as soon as we get into the house.  It seems that she is the perfect first dog for me to have.

One last way I feel myself growing.  I feel like I am able to speak with conviction, respect, and determination is ways that have previously eluded me.  I'm finding this new capability in all areas of life - speaking to my kids at school, my co-workers, a person or two who has done me wrong in recent days...  It seems to me that I am finally able to get my message across while staying true to myself and treating the recipient of my words how I would want to be treated.

Tonight as I was walking along with Maise, I realized the grey clouds of the day had rolled out and I was looking at a fairly clear starry night sky.  In California (where I lived at least), the stars were almost never as clear as they are here when the clouds part.  Tonight I gave thanks for the clear skies and the clear-headedness I've felt as of late.  I've always been one to take baby steps into new things in my life, and it seems that becoming an Adult (whatever that term may mean) will be no different.

Little Voices in My Head

I know I definitely need my weekend days to recharge.  I take time in my room, or at my house, or around the greater Pacific Northwest area to recharge my batteries.  If I was around 30 kids for 10 hours a day, seven days a week I would never be able to have enough energy to be able to give them the attention, patience and love they deserve.  I was driving home today after an afternoon out and about, thinking about how relaxed I am, how nice it was to have yesterday afternoon curled in bed napping and reading.

And then, one of my kids' voices popped into my head.  Even though so many kids this week at work had meltdowns and were just generally grumpy about being there, I actually had a good number of students tell me they wished homework club was on Fridays and "maybe even one of the weekend days, too."  It makes me wonder about what it is at home that they don't necessarily want to be around for a weekend.  Is it worse than "being tortured" by us asking them to do their homework and follow the keep-your-hands-to-yourself rules at Homework Club?  My hope is that they may simply be bored at home and may not have much stimulation or support from their parents/guardians.  Not having those things is bad, but it's better than some of the other scenarios that I try to push from mind.

With each frustrating day that I spend with those kids I know it's just going to get harder to leave this place.

Domino Effect

I should have known something was up when the clouds started rolling in this morning after having more than a week of cold but beautifully clear blue sky days.  Instead, I was happy to not have to scrape layers of ice off every window of my car.  I should also state that the first class I work in everyday is possibly my favorite to be in.  The teacher makes me feel like part of the classroom, makes sure to include me in whatever classroom conversation is happening and also has made an attempt to get to know me as a person.  Not sure if it's from her lead, but the students in that class also are friendly to me both while I'm in the classroom or when they see me other places around the school.  I wish I could work more than 20 minutes in that room.  I am lucky to be able to start my day on that kind of a good note.

Today was one of those days where I don't know whether to laugh or cry, and thankfully ended up laughing a little hysterically towards the end.  I was ready and waiting for meltdowns yesterday.  It was the first day of school after two weeks of winter break, and although I was ready to be back I wasn't sure how elementary aged  kids were feeling about coming back.  Yesterday was smooth sailing.  On all accounts the kids were cheerful and happy and willing to cooperate, both at school and the after-school program.  It was a different story today. Kids were whining about everyday school tasks and it was like pulling teeth just to get some of them to read to me for a few minutes.  Okay, this I can easily handle.  Many times i will either have a "bad" day at school but then when I get to the after-school program it usually balances out.  Sooooooooo not the case today.

The after-school program was like melt down central today.  I had at least six kids in tears at one point or another; usually we just average one or two.  A few kids told me that being at homework club was like being tortured.  A few others told me they were CERTAIN I didn't care about them or their well-being.  They said I didn't care if they did well in school or not, or what happened to them "in life."  Of course this is the exact opposite of how I feel about them.  But how do I convince a crying eight year old who has never known an adult to be true to their word that I really care about them more than they can imagine?  Then there is the fourth grader who said in response to a few different questions I asked him "OK, I'll just go kill myself then."  This causes me more anguish because I don't know the best, or right, way to respond to this.  I'll go check in with the school counselor tomorrow.  It makes me sad than such a young child has these ideas though.

As usual, my supervisor saved the day, although today it was quite unintentional.  As we were dropping off the last student we got stuck in the mud driveway of that student's house.  After some tame choice words that she was apologizing for which made me giggle, my ever fearless supervisor hopped out of the driver's seat, told me to hop in it, and to give the van some gas as she pushed it.  I didn't think twice about gunning it until I could hear the tires slipping in the mud and had a sudden vision of her getting some mud on her.  "Some mud" is an understatement.  After successfully becoming unstuck, my supervisor hopped back in COVERED in mud.  She was laughing heartily, which promptly wiped the shocked look off my face and got me to start laughing.  She wasn't phased with having mud all over her, so I kind of thought about how maybe I shouldn't be phased by all the accusations and tears that I had been covered in today.  After talking with her, and then Megan on the way home, I felt better about what had happened and how things went down today.

I know that not everyday will be this frustrating.  I'll have a multitude of days that will make me want to stay here forever.  But today I want to curl up, pull the covers over my head and turn the lights off on this day.

In the Middle of a Life

The title of this blog entry was also the title for the sermon I went to today at the Port Townsend Unitarian Universalist Church.  if you get the chance, I would recommend visiting this church, especially on a sunny day.  The mix of sun and wood and warmth was a comforting atmosphere for me today.  As I sat in the sun-filled sanctuary and listened to the readings that fit so beautifully into the sermon I was filled with a peace that I had been wishing for for the past few weeks.  Rev. Bode spoke about making room to learn from the past, live in the moment, and prepare for the future all while gaining meaning from the life you are creating.  At this point in my life I am struggling to find a balance of learning from the past and "planning" out a future while I am enjoying so much of the life I am immersed in right now.

Three poems were used as readings during the sermon.  The first, entitled "The Man in the Yard" by Howard Nelson, and was about a regret a man had that was over a simple un-taken action, but one that he frequently dwelled on.  I know I have these thoughts, too.  What would have happened had I stayed on the path I was so in love with a few years ago?  A few years is a long time, but that was the last time I had any real semblance of what I was going to "do with my life."  I have learned a great deal from the choices I have made and in the long run do not regret the big things.  However, there are the small things, encounters and exchanges with people, things said, thoughtless actions taken, that are those things included in the "If I could change a few things from my past" list.

And then there are the moments I feel lost as to what my next steps will be.  In this job I am lucky in that I know pretty well what I'll be doing from now until July, but after that things are up in the air at this point.  I catch myself listing some of the possibilities in my head all the time: stay for another year of AmeriCorps; apply, get accepted, and go to grad school somewhere; try out a different type of job; get TESOL certified and go teach English somewhere on this great big earth; move to Chicago with Kath; ???.  So then I follow up on some of these ideas.  Search idealist.org to see what jobs have been listed recently.  Download and start applications to different schools.  When I get too caught up in these thoughts, though, I miss what's going on in front of me.  No surprise.  In the second poem, "A Maxim" by Carl Dennis, the author writes of planning for the future and living life like this is your last day, but not so much that the delights and delightful people in everyday life get ignored or pushed to the wayside.  Like looking up on my walk today and seeing this:

Mount Baker from Fort Worden State Park

So if looking back into the past and thinking about what you could have done differently AND looking ahead to the future both yield lacking results, what is a person to do?  More specifically in my ego-centric atmosphere, what am I to do?  Do I hop back and forth, from past memories to future dreams, and hope that in between those hops I see and experience some of what's going on right now?  According to Barbara Cooker, quite simply, yes.  In the poem "In the Middle" she writes:

...Time is always ahead of us, running down the beach, urging

us on faster, faster, but sometimes we take off our watches,

sometimes we lie in the hammock, caught between the mesh

of rope and the net of stars, suspended, tangled up

in love, running out of time.

So I guess I do the best I can.  Find those moments I can spend in the hammock, acknowledging the beauty around me, while also fully aware of incorporating lessons learned and future plans that occupy the mind.  Try to hop back and forth less and swing in the hammock more.  I felt like a normal being after hearing that so many others struggle with this same past, present, future conundrum.  We're all in this boat together, literally, so let's make the best of our time and do our best to learn from our mistakes so we can become better people for each other.  So that we find ways to avoid hurting people as we have done in the past, so that we can make a difference in our worlds right now, and so that we may be proud of  who we will be in the future.