Some Days You Feel Like A Nut!

It was a true Thursday at After School Program today.  According to the teachers I know, Thursdays are the craziest day of the week.  There were 18 students there today, and we wrote five referrals.  Not a good sign.  Not only were students loud and disrespectful, but they were being dangerous to themselves and others.  The interventionist from the school was there, too, and it almost seemed like it was a contest to see who could embarrass me the most in front of her.  "Oh, Julia?  Yeah, I hate her.  Let me show you how much by insulting her and not following a single direction or request of hers. "

There is one student who i seems none of us know what to do with.  This student ("Harper") does not want to attend ASP, but it is "free babysitting" for the parents.  Harper rarely follows the rules and actively riles up other students it seems to then rile the staff up.  Who knows what Harper is really thinking.  Incentives don't work with Harper, and it seems neither do consequences.  It is to the point where the staff are all ready to just start writing referrals, because after three in a week a student is suspended for three days.  Our thought process behind this?  Maybe if the parents have to figure out something else for at least three days they might help Harper get things together.

Then the guilt hits us.  Every single child that we work with has some sort of sad or "bad" history with their family, and Harper is no exception.  These children are so often products of their environments that they don't know any other way to act, or they have been conditioned to say certain things or act certain ways when they want/don't want something in particular.  Is that their fault?  Not most of the time, but does that mean that whoever is around them has to "put up" with their behavior.  Somewhere, something has to change.  But how?  And where?  And when?  And what part do I have in it?  I was having drinks with a guy a few weeks ago who told me that it's the parents' fault, and the parents need to shape up so their kids can have a better life.  I think he actually believed that was all there was to it.  Just tell the parents they have to be better.  OK.  No big deal.  Never mind the cyclical issues that surround the parents, the culture, the society we all live in.  Or the historical oppression of minority groups who literally have resources taken out of their hands.  Or, in this case, the depressed economy of the town we live in where I, as a college graduate with some good work experience under my belt, would have a difficult time finding a decent-paying job.  No, never mind all those factors that these parents are indeed facing.  How do we recognize these challenges and aspects of the culture that I am working in, while at the same time maintaining a stable, positive, supportive environment where students are respectful to themselves, their peers, and the staff?  Does anyone have a magic wand?

Megan and I were discussing this idea on the way home.  I was expressing my uneasiness at simply slapping Harper, or other "unruly" students, with referrals until they were suspended for a few days.  Does that solve the problem?  No.  Does it even address the problem?  Not really.  Will I be able to reach that student in the future?  Possibly, but I see it as doubtful.  I told Megan that I feel trapped sometimes, because I feel that the students need to learn how to treat others with respect and dignity regardless of who they are dealing with, but that so often they are not shown that respect in their everyday environments, so it's easy to see how they are then products of those environments.

And here's where Megan shows off her brilliance:  she said, "But we're part of their environments, too!"  And it's so true!  We are there everyday for these students.  I tear up at the thought of leaving them in less than four weeks.  We are part of their lives, whether they like or detest that fact, and more than just helping them figure out math equations or how to "chunk out" a word, we are there to show them that adults can be firm, yet loving; set boundaries, but share our hearts with them; discipline them, but still encourage and embrace them and all they have to offer to the world.  If I have to write referrals, so be it.  Maybe, one day, deep down inside, one of these students will know in their heart that I truly want the world for them regardless of how they perceive my actions in trying to maintain a safe sense of place for all.  And if not, at least I know it, and it seems that some days that's all I can ask for.          

Here I Go Again, On My Own

Well, not eactly on my own, but here I'll go again on another adventure...

Yesterday morning I got a phone call and was offered a Naturalist Intern position with the San Joaquin Outdoor School.  I excitedly accepted and suddenly had an extra bounce in my step for most of the day.  Getting that phone call and the accompaning offer means that I have a weight lifted off my shoulders, I can actually say I'm moving back to California with 100% certainty.  It means that I'll be closer to my family and therefore will be able to see them much more frequently than I have since I moved to Port Angeles.  That has been one of the toughest things for me since moving, so I know I will be thankful about that.  The location of the school is one that I know I will love.  Located in the Santa Cruz moutains sourrounded by redwoods and still very close to the coast I am hoping I will be one happy long-term camper.  Plus, I will be able to check out a new part of education through this position where I will lead fifth and sixth graders through their week-long field trip on hikes, tide pool explorations, finding their place within their school community, and silly songs around the campfire.  I have to admit that I am looking forward to being the fun, science camp "teacher" rather than the day in and day out disciplinarian that I feel my current students view me as so much of the time.

But those students who might view me as that disciplinarian are also the students who keep me coming back with enthusiasm everyday.  Yes, there are plenty of days where I drive home with my head in my hand, leaning against the window, either venting to Megan or almost silent on our drive home.  However, I have found meaningful connections with my kids, too.  Seeing them in the halls and hearing about their latest test or book they read or how they're going to dye their hair next shows me that I have been able to become part of their lives...and now I'm going to leave them.  Thank goodness I still have two months to spend with them. 

And it's not just my kids I'm going to miss dearly.  When I moved here I was strongly hoping that I would be able to be part of creating a new community, family almost, of the AmeriCorps teammates I would be working with.  Originally I envisioned becoming friends with all the other 37 members of the team and creating some sort of special bond with each person.  Ahhh, the hopeful promise of not yet meeting people and creating my own versions of them.  I didn't even make it out of the first day without deciding there were definitely people I would be able to work with, but would probably never be friends with.  However, there were several people I would become close with, and create my own sort of family with.  Some of us had a big, potluck Thanksgiving together.  Being cozy and feeling like I had a place there made not being with my bilogical family easier than I would have imagined.  My housemates feel like sisters I didn't even know I was missing until I met them.  Together I have had shared more laughter and good times with them than I even could have imagined.  I will always stand by my feeling that I lucked out with the two best housemates I could have asked for moving here.  We share clothes, food, bottles of wine, tears, hugs, dog stories, frustrations, yard work and most of all, laughter.  And sooner than I know I will be leaving them too.  I told Marie last night that someone else will have to drive my car away when I move because I will be crying too hard to operate a motor vehicle.  I know it wont be the last time I see them, but I will be leaving a home that I have been very, very, very happy in.  Serving in this AmeriCorps position has been, and still is, exactly where I need to be for this time in my life.   

Now I will go on to create a new community with my fellow Natusralist Interns, or at least hopefully I will.  I'm sure that when I meet my new coworkers I will find that they too have been missing from my life and I wasn't yet aware of it.  I am very excited about going to a new, yet still somewhat familar, place where I can cultivate my combined passions of education and environmental awareness and stewardship.  I'll be creating a new part of my life that I have worked hard for and will be working in a capacity that will hopefully open new doors or create new bridges that will lead me down paths to exactly where I am meant to be at that point.  

Sun-Laced Avenues

My hips have traipsed down these aisles before.  The unknown meshing with memories, dreams, and promises.  If I'm a lucky, a little sunlight and resulting warmth comes as a side dish.  The clouds and the cool temperatures continue to visit us here on the Peninsula, but my spirits are warming.  I can feel the glow of something new coming.  I am not fearful of what will happen after I'm "done" here.  Instead, I am relishing the hunt and chase of the next path that will invite me to turn down its just-wide-enough path.  When else can I savor the tumultuousness that comes with not knowing?

Someone told me I have twenty-something days of school left.  Of course, that is not me being in school, turning in papers, doing late-night reading.  Instead, it means my time left of working, urging students to turn in homework, creating enticing incentives for when they do.  It means hoping that having six students move unexpectedly in the last three weeks will be the end of good-byes until the twenty-something days of school are done.  It means sometimes putting on an act of a smile and positive attitude, and pretending I wouldn't really rather be at the Farmers Market under the freeway exchanging tokens for ripe, fragrant strawberries that here I can only dream about.

It means being able to savor all the things that are wonderful here, and that I already know I will be melancholy for come six months from now.  Relishing the new green that is sprouting everywhere.  Running into (almost literally) a friend on a walk down the trail.  Sharing conspiratory glances across a room and knowing that my new-found sister can read my face and will know the exact, right, perfect thing to say to me about the situation.  Walking down the hall and having little arms wrap around my middle, and having a smile wash over me before I even know who exactly is sharing their happiness with me at that moment.

And then I remember that this beauty will be carried with me.  Maybe I won't be experiencing it first hand, but it will be stored in my heart where I'll always have easy access to it.  Regardless of where I am, how I get there, or who I'll be around, I can unfold, shake out, and step into this happiness and uncertainty again when the need arises.

Countdown to Liftoff

Things are finally slowing down a bit.  I was tallying my hours for April, and was feeling a little worried, like I had not gotten enough hours in.  Turns out I had, it's just after having a couple consecutive months of 210 hours plus I didn't feel like I had quite pulled my weight.

I've been loving some of the "special" projects I've been involved in.  One of those things was participating in an Earth Day project, which is one of four required service projects for our team.  For those of you who know me well, I know what you're thinking: "Oh man!  Julia had to participate in an Earth Day project?  That must have been such a difficult thing for her to do!  And on a beach...even worse!"  Let me assure you though, it was awesome.  We lucked out big time regarding weather.  Blue skies, no clouds, and it was almost warm!  The first thing we did after piling out of the car was to scamper down to the beach and dig our toes into the sand.  Yes, I did wish you were there (bonus points to whoever can cite the reference...).  I also dipped my toes into the waves.  It felt good to be back in the Pacific.

The next day we got up bright and early at 5:45 am to make sure we were ready to go for the beach Clean Up event that Coast Savers was putting on.  Breaking camp was a little difficult to do with semi-frozen fingers, but the shining sun bribed me with a sunny day to come.  Two days in a row, who could be so lucky? I just got some numbers from the organizer, and over 1100 volunteers cleaned the Washington Coast and picked up 23 tons of trash!  It's a shame we, as humans, can't get out act together to make these clean ups unnecessary, but kudos to those who came out and worked for the cause of caring for our Earth.

Another activity I've been taking part in is Fiero Marine Science Center training so that I can hopefully work/volunteer there this summer after school is out.  For me, it's like being back in school without exams or homework!  The instructor is very knowledgeable and humorous, and the classroom in on the pier, so I can gaze at the water at sunset while learning about limpets and chitons and octopus and plankton and mussels and kelp.  Between the work that I do everyday, a few field trips I've been on recently, and going to this training, I'm thinking more and more about how important Environmental Eduction is and how I can make my passion into a career.  

The sun is continues to play peek-a-boo with us, but when it does not only do I soak it up (literally), but I also get to gaze at the snow capped mountains and the light reflecting off the water in the Strait.   Even though it is so incredibly beautiful, I find myself counting down the weeks until I'm able to return home to California.  Home to the Yuba, and baking on the rocks and jumping into the refreshing swimming holes and floating down the rapids while letting out exuberant yelps of joy and surprise.  Home to Oscar's burritos.  Home to the Delta Breeze on summer nights.  Home to family and friends' lives which I hope I can wiggle my way back into.  While I have this mental countdown, I want to savor the moments I have here.  Giggling in the kitchen with Marie and Megan over the long long long list of "inappropriate cheers" we come up with.  Passing by friends through the neighborhood.  Seeing my kids throughout town on the weekend and then hearing them say "IIIIIIIII saw Julia when she was walking her dog!"  Living so close to the water.  It's always a balancing act, right?

I'm excited for the rest of this week.  There's an AmeriCorps retreat where we'll get to be together in a non-meeting setting, an old friend who I haven't seen in ages is coming down, there's a very low tide at some tide pools Saturday, and I think a group of us are going Contra dancing Saturday night!  California, I hear your call, but for now I gotta live it up here!