It was a true Thursday at After School Program today. According to the teachers I know, Thursdays are the craziest day of the week. There were 18 students there today, and we wrote five referrals. Not a good sign. Not only were students loud and disrespectful, but they were being dangerous to themselves and others. The interventionist from the school was there, too, and it almost seemed like it was a contest to see who could embarrass me the most in front of her. "Oh, Julia? Yeah, I hate her. Let me show you how much by insulting her and not following a single direction or request of hers. "
There is one student who i seems none of us know what to do with. This student ("Harper") does not want to attend ASP, but it is "free babysitting" for the parents. Harper rarely follows the rules and actively riles up other students it seems to then rile the staff up. Who knows what Harper is really thinking. Incentives don't work with Harper, and it seems neither do consequences. It is to the point where the staff are all ready to just start writing referrals, because after three in a week a student is suspended for three days. Our thought process behind this? Maybe if the parents have to figure out something else for at least three days they might help Harper get things together.
Then the guilt hits us. Every single child that we work with has some sort of sad or "bad" history with their family, and Harper is no exception. These children are so often products of their environments that they don't know any other way to act, or they have been conditioned to say certain things or act certain ways when they want/don't want something in particular. Is that their fault? Not most of the time, but does that mean that whoever is around them has to "put up" with their behavior. Somewhere, something has to change. But how? And where? And when? And what part do I have in it? I was having drinks with a guy a few weeks ago who told me that it's the parents' fault, and the parents need to shape up so their kids can have a better life. I think he actually believed that was all there was to it. Just tell the parents they have to be better. OK. No big deal. Never mind the cyclical issues that surround the parents, the culture, the society we all live in. Or the historical oppression of minority groups who literally have resources taken out of their hands. Or, in this case, the depressed economy of the town we live in where I, as a college graduate with some good work experience under my belt, would have a difficult time finding a decent-paying job. No, never mind all those factors that these parents are indeed facing. How do we recognize these challenges and aspects of the culture that I am working in, while at the same time maintaining a stable, positive, supportive environment where students are respectful to themselves, their peers, and the staff? Does anyone have a magic wand?
Megan and I were discussing this idea on the way home. I was expressing my uneasiness at simply slapping Harper, or other "unruly" students, with referrals until they were suspended for a few days. Does that solve the problem? No. Does it even address the problem? Not really. Will I be able to reach that student in the future? Possibly, but I see it as doubtful. I told Megan that I feel trapped sometimes, because I feel that the students need to learn how to treat others with respect and dignity regardless of who they are dealing with, but that so often they are not shown that respect in their everyday environments, so it's easy to see how they are then products of those environments.
And here's where Megan shows off her brilliance: she said, "But we're part of their environments, too!" And it's so true! We are there everyday for these students. I tear up at the thought of leaving them in less than four weeks. We are part of their lives, whether they like or detest that fact, and more than just helping them figure out math equations or how to "chunk out" a word, we are there to show them that adults can be firm, yet loving; set boundaries, but share our hearts with them; discipline them, but still encourage and embrace them and all they have to offer to the world. If I have to write referrals, so be it. Maybe, one day, deep down inside, one of these students will know in their heart that I truly want the world for them regardless of how they perceive my actions in trying to maintain a safe sense of place for all. And if not, at least I know it, and it seems that some days that's all I can ask for.
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